a new friendship

Something has changed in one of my closest friendships and I am heartbroken We were once completely free, without inhibition  but now we are cautious, tiptoeing --

How do you be there for a friend who is not ready to share? 

Maybe this is the true test of friendship.

"You can tell me," I want to say,

"It's just me."

But I know this is not about me.

I know that this is perhaps me being selfish

My need to be seen as trusted,

my validation.

It makes me feel so vulnerable 

to share more of me when they share less of themselves 

And so I withdraw as well

to avoid that imbalance.

We all know that friendships are shape-shifters

morphing into new forms as we regulate

how much we want to bare of ourselves

and how much we want to keep tucked away

I'm working on accepting this new change

I want to be okay with it,

I want to be gentle and understanding

But maybe grace will come

after grief.

You don't have to tell me

You don't have to tell me you love me for me to know that you love me and you won't say it anyway
because of the way the world works
But I know that you love me
just like you know you love me
in the most honest, genuine way possible
And we leave it there
there's nothing to say and nothing to do
it exists, this thing between us
it's so real, it's so imaginary
we let it exist
you don't have to tell me
I don't have to tell you.

Music is my thing

The piano sits in a corner, collecting dust I avoid eye contact with it on most days It's a reminder of a time I used to play ("Music is your thing!") a reminder of a dream I left halfway something which used to bring me so much joy now makes me think of my inadequacies of all the jazz I can't play But today as I despair into the deepening night I look to it for comfort and it stands there, just like it has all these years I sit down and run my fingers over the keys and I confess I rage and mellow and battle and my stiff fingers trip and slip but I play, and play, and play and I am rescued all over again

Music is my thing,

it always has been.