deficit

yesterday
i found myself saying
nobody understands

how ironic
i used to turn to you
in times 
like these

what hurts most
is not
that you're not here
today

but that
you won't be here
tomorrow
or the days after

you will miss
my milestones
they will miss you

without you
the world
seems unbalanced.

loss

grief

cuts you up

into pieces

suddenly life

is divided

into with

and after you

why

did you leave

if only..

so many

if onlys

but you left

so quickly

i trust you

might have done

yourself good

you took

a part of me 

with you

and left yourself

with me

dear boy

i will miss you madly

you knew that.

aftermath

I don't know
if I can
carry you around
 
I try to
shrug you off
but you cling tightly

how do I forget?
let me try
to put you in a song

maybe somebody
will listen
and make it theirs

maybe my piano
will drain
you out of me

maybe you'll become
a melody I will hum
without thinking.

now
later
or never

time will tell you
when the time is right.

highway

wheels roll
parallel to
white lines 

that merge into mirages
in the distance

highway dhabas
and gas stations
line the road
a luxury hotel
stands alienated

small, quaint towns
of colourful houses
and chai shops
vibrant, bustling
take the left at the circle

trucks with
brightly painted backsides
horn ok please, tata!
enfields overtake

tilted buses

dhoti-clad farmer
and a group of cows
amble alongside
cars, in
cud-chewing nonchalance

snakes sprawl lazily
across your path
sunbathing beside
fields of green, golden
yellow and mud-brown

at night
dip your lights
in the darkness
luminous stickers
look ominous

driving along
finding fresh roads
following directions
getting lost
feeling light

belonging to
neither here
nor there
but to everything
in between milestones

beautiful grey suit
your shoes shine
attention-grabbing gloss
reflecting an image
you have to live up to

you tried the short-cut
there were too many cars
on the longer route
your path turned out filthy
the rich kind, but filthy

now you sign
all those deals
under the table
behind glass doors
high-profile smooth talkers

i'm not sure
which is worse
your lies
or your lack of guilt

muckpot
of lost ideals
perhaps
you could invest firstly
in a spine.

wasting weather

cloudy windy day

the kind that

makes your hair dance

in an auto

on tank bund

the lake is full

of waves

in sync with

the music

on my ipod

"yeah they were dancin'

and singin'

and movin'

to the grooooovin!' "

"PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC

whaiiit boyy"

i chant loudly

auto anna

smiles amusedly

in the mirror

the new fountains

on hussain sagar

actually look pretty cool

woohoo, what

weather this is

but it's outside now

some days

are just not meant for

sitting at office desks.

permanence

I ran away

from the urgency of time

till it couldn't keep up

I took shelter

beneath an old tree

till I felt my skin

breathe the earth

under this beautiful vast sky

that promises

to never let go.

trudge

ignore the shit

and get on with it.

over*

like a moth to a flame
in the darkness
of a power cut

hovering around
the candle ring
carefully dodging,

but at times
almost dipping
into the yellow, clumsily

i keep coming back
even if i don't want to
i wish i could leave

you
i wish i could leave
but i'm here

because i forgive
so easily
every time

wait! the power's back
the flicker dies
in a whoosh

i'm free.

--------------------------------------------------------------

*this won third plaze in the Illuminati 2011 contest

unravelled

the more you reveal
the more
you puzzle me
redress yourself
in all those layers
and
i'll understand you better.

city rain

thick clouds,
jumbled wires
around a pole

brown leaves dance
across windshields
honking, packed cars

oranges sit brightly
on a cart, almost radiant
with anticipation

banging doors
and windows
a woman rushes

into her balcony
pulling at
clothes on the railing

at the bus stop
people huddled together
knowing they'll be stranded

the crescendo, activity
breaks at its peak
into the first few drops.

nungambakkam

crescent
on sterling road
puttu and kadalacurry

kodak studio
piano sounds
drifting in from
nearby music square

haddows road
an old favourite
with its big trees

and the red warmth
of oxford bookstore
familiar college road,
alliance, the irezumi board

kids hanging out
at ispahani, shopping at
khader nawaz khan road

in the centre
of all the traffic,
the maddening one-ways,
the buildings, big and little

rises,with humbling grace,
the beautiful white
loyola spire, embracing
the chennai sky.

apart

sometimes far
is too far
how far away
is near?

keeping

the sea
raw, brown
of the earth

lit up the sky
in a warm golden
the sun, a glowing red

black ripples
birthed and broke
silently

barefeet sunk
into the softness, gathering
wet sand between toes

which we had
to wash away
clean

so when my feet
sink into fresh earth that
i might learn to welcome

i only want to remember
what was beautiful
what beautiful was.

protection

thank you
for keeping me away
from you.

shrug

I'm startled
by this late revelation
maybe if you had
told me
a few years back
it would have
been different now
but you didn't
and that's that.

escapade

you poked around
on purpose, grinning
tearing the shell

suddenly
there's no cover

have you been
to the fair recently?
they now sell
unbreakable bubbles.

how it works

he died
and his ideals
died with him

you sold his stuff
and made your bucks

the magic

some connections

cut across

cities

and countries

and sometimes

all the pleasure

lies in knowing

that it's there.

lady*

dry rancid laughter
rings through the smoke
heavy, weary
in alley darkness

a voice breaks
in a jagged scrape
as she sings
breaking through

the noise
the pin-prick
vulnerability
shielded by pride

finding her way
with familiar, bitter ease
she laughs at them,
their glass hearts

she sings
the crowd weeps
she smokes
she lives tomorrow. 

------------------------------
*thoughts on listening to Lady by Regina Spektor

familiarity

have we

worn each other

and have we

worn each other out

erazex

he flung it suddenly
across the room
collapsing,
head in hands
sobbing, shaking


what life was this
correction fluid

doorbell

two wires

stick out of a wall
front legs
of a giant spider
almost comical

four legs
buried in the wall
forelegs
stick out
wiggling

two large eyes
follow you
around the room
fixed to the wall
fixed on you

two wires
poke out of a wall
intruding, disturbing
two wires
of a door bell

shiny metal
completes the circuit
and shuts out
the eyes
that constantly watch

box them all up

into the wall, sealed
along with everything else
get used to the ringing
till it no longer alarms.

mother

tired eyes,
everyday, yet
bright face

mother,
what would I do
without your smile
to return to

weakness

you apologise

and I say okay

even if I'm not sure

I want to 

those unforgiving

have it easier.

so forget the world
and play
what's on your mind

let your notes wander 

like cotton seeds, settling

upon those unsuspecting

we'll walk
this night through
fearlessly, because

this is just
our untitled song
from an unknown album

chai wala

little boy,
brown shirt,
khakhi shorts

skipping through
narrow alleys
with your chai carrier

and your constant,
cheeky grin
hanging around

curiously, as
groups of people chat

leaning against the wall

cigarettes lit,
some planning weekends
some talking of previous ones

others taking you
through the day
and office politics

you listen carefully
as you wait for the glasses
to the 4 pm gossip

knowing that the rest
awaits you tomorrow
no story remains unfinished.

after they all sleep

alone,
empty basketball court
silence shifts restlessly
under a clear night sky

you are my own

and only mine

grief,

you cannot be shared.

embrace

quietly you breathe

against me

relief

duronto

break,

there is none

on and on

on and on

crowded road
loud honking
people dodging cars
bikes dodging people

nonchalant large buses
sneak up behind you
you've just enough time
to jump out of their shadows

post lunch walk
take the left near
the alu bonda stall
away from the main road

visit the fig tree
scarlet and green
near the old
moss-covered house

kids play cricket
and the old lady
with the stick, sits
outside her house, watching

chickens, look
how this one's grown
since last week
cheep cheep cheep

large brown dog
strolls near
the ashoka tree, the one
with the wild, free branches

soak
in the large dose of peace
offered by this village
inside the city.

leaving

Wow
I quit
ohmygod.