verdict

you wronged me and i apologized

you hit your head against the wall and i assumed  i hurt you 

you cut me off and i blamed myself

you, and you, and you, all of you.  

i must have been crazy to have 

taken on your share for so long

i've redeemed myself now

i pronounce myself not guilty

walk

bare feet sink into mud

as i walk on wet soil 

my toes curl around leaves

of jagged edges and velvety surfaces

i walk in solitude

i walk in silence

i walk to remain suspended 

in thoughtlessness

i walk through hours 

of light and dark 

i walk in desperation 

i walk for space, i walk for time

i walk for relief, 
i walk to feel a little numb
i walk even though
my skin is blistered and bleeding 

i surrender 

to the rhythm of my feet 

as they carve out lines

on a map that only i know 

i keep going, 

steady, sane, sound 

on a ground
that features madmen and gone-too-soons. 

friend

you call me your friend
and my heart bursts with joy 
at knowing that, across the ocean 
i've got a hand to hold 

kind

your words, gentle
moving carefully,
avoiding everything
you know i don't want to talk about

you find the safe zones
you hold and respect my silence 
and i want to let you in 

as my words find yours
within all the lines we've drawn
you have my full, honest story 

redefining home

I love this street one that I've called home for twenty three years I've watched the mango and neem trees grow and welcome monkeys, bats and cicadas

I wake up to the call of a purple sunbird

I listen to the song of a grey-bellied cuckoo

in the afternoon, a hornbill's screech surprises us all

while a black kite soars in the sky

there's a tailorbird in the coconut tree

invisible, but it makes itself known today is a good day for

a duet with a chirping squirrel

in the evening, when the wind blows

stray gulmohar flowers and

white jasmine cover the ground

as do the seeds of the copperpod tree

oh, how I love that street

and how well I know it

and its inhabitants, including

hesitant shrews and nocturnal frogs

but far away, in another country

I am getting to know a new street I am learning its secrets and surprises

and the life it holds

here, I wake up to the call of the blackbird

and the twittering of robins

I watch magpies hop on the ground

and sparrowhawks circle above

the sweet smell of jasmine

is now replaced with the strong scent of hyacinths

the tabebuia and jacaranda trees

are recoloured in magnolia and cherry blossom

everything that I defined as home

the soundscapes, the enchantment, the familiarity

have now taken on a new meaning

and my boundaries have expanded

I find myself falling in love

unexpectedly and a little hesitantly looking for signs that will one day

spell a new nostalgia

home is a funny thing

it can be here

but it can also be

five thousand miles away

episode

in a moment

everything is lost 

i tremble and shake 

a plate breaks into pieces 

a head bangs against a wall 

tears roll down like rivers 

the walls cave around me

i squirm and howl  

i am never enough

inexhaustible

what a layered personality you are 

peel peel peel

and there's something new on offer 

you're inexhaustible 

show me more 

Nothing

days strung together

tightly, like nylon on a guitar 

fingers strumming 

fret after fret 

slightly out of tune 

time goes by 

fingers drumming 

on a table, waiting 

for another moment to go by 

another insignificant nothing 

an open window 

a bee buzzing

drawing zigzag patterns  

seeking sweet, sweet nectar 

but this room is empty 

 

a humid evening

​dragonflies humming 

the air heavy, holding back  

promises of something 

that's not going to happen today 

a sky full of stars

a cricket chirping  

smoke rises in circles  

fading into the darkness 

that was today 

confession

this is my confession to you 

of how much of you 

i love and admire 

i want so much of you 

but i only want that
which nobody else has 

and me wanting that 

will ruin

what we have now 

trapped

trapped by boundaries 

trapped because you're limited

trapped because you're only 

something in a container

trapped because you don't matter 

in the enormity of the universe 

trapped because you're an inconsequential speck

hardly capable of moving mountains

trapped by restlessness

a desperate, wanting, 

fiery, seeking soul

stifled inside your body 

 

but wait oh look 

a window of escape

a train ticket, an open field 

a dog licking your face

a tiny hand in yours

a note of appreciation

a winding road through 

that unbudging mountain

a warm embrace

a snail on a leaf 

a changing season

something beautiful, beyond reason

trapped between the 

beginning and the end

trapped by the fact that

this is all we know

who knows what's gone before 

and what will come after 

maybe this is our shot at freedom

keepsake

​let me not deny myself

​o​f what I feel for you

​l​et me feel the agony

​o​f wanting what i can't have

​s​o that tomorrow ​
​when ​i​ get over this

​i​ will remember what it was like

​t​o be so in love with you 

aging

​i don't want to be younger

i don't wish to turn back time 

look how far i've come 

i've grown so much 

​i'm wiser, i'm sillier ​

​i​t's okay either way

i don't want to be a child,
​i don't want to be a number

i'm happy where i am 

a point in the journey 

​of unspecified duration 

indispensable

so hard I try
to make myself indispensable
so easily
you dismiss me

brimming

my love for you
is like a pillow
bursting at the seams

i carry this around every day
waiting for an chance 
to explode and fill the room with feathers

happy

how willing we are to settle for "happy"
what a peculiar choice to make

when we can feel ecstatic
when we can feel breathtaking exhilaration
when we can feel life-affirming hope

when we can feel inexplicable angst
when we can feel numbing pain
when we can feel so hopelessly in love

and yet we want to settle
for a measly little slice of happy

liberation

aren't we all 

a bit like caged beasts 

confined by closed spaces

but equally lost in the endless vastness

bound by 

all that we know

and dwarfed by the 

things we don't

who knows what 

what true freedom is

or liberation  

if it exists at all 

it must be in finding a purpose

all consuming

a something that keeps you alive 

chase

if the thrill of the chase
is better than the catch 
then one has to keep running 

fantasy

you light a spark
and i fan my feelings
until it becomes a raging fire 

you say yes 

and I drop all my defences

baring all for you to see 

you say a word

and i add plenty more

to weave beautiful stories 

you drop a hint

and i foolishly believe

that i'm in love 

how i love these fantasies 

in my head 

that don't exist in your reality 

Distance

​I've seen the most beautiful sunsets

from rooftops, trains and window seats

Streaks of blood that slowly soak up the sky

spreading into a gentle wash on a watercolour canvas

I've seen birds journey home in geometric patterns

Their cries filling the evening air

Mingled with the sounds of kids playing street cricket 

A strangely chaotic yet calming dusk

I've seen the sun lower itself below the city skyline

Disappearing bit by bit, through electricity wires 

Leaving an empty sky, save a kite here and there

And maybe an early moon

I've seen your eyes reflect my thoughts

And I want to share this little space, this slot of time, with you 

Maybe this sunset, maybe a million 

If only time were that generous

Stand with me on the terrace of this house

Watch the evening birds make their way home

Stay with me in this beautiful moment

Even as it disappears bit by bit

Into a something we will remember once in a while

In our own separate worlds 

As we watch, from rooftops, trains and window seats 

The sun melt away 

the distance between us  ​

breaking point

look at that cloud

heavier and heavier it gets

stealing a little bit 

from the sun, every day 

until it's completely blotched out

carry an umbrella around warily

you never know when 

it's going to burst

a cloudburst , they say 

you know when it's coming

there's an ocean within 

about to erupt 

giant drops fall noisily

one by one

at my feet

from my cheek