seeking silence

words,
you take away
too much

before and after
leaving regret,
uncertainty and unrest

here's the door
go, find
someone else's speech

flow

half-open window
morning calls
for a smoke

he sits close
to the mattress
slightly cold floor

speakers,
quietly watch
these four-walled days 

he lights another
life,
in no hurry.

morning, broken

breaking apologies 

in exhaustion 

too tired

yet burning

to seek comfort

afternoon, 

bone-crunching pain,

what are you worth?

cafe

they came
once every week
the same table
the same orders

neither of them
were strikingly attractive
he noticed
yet they were pretty

their voices grew familiar
as they'd laugh
and sometimes
talk in low voices

he'd get to work
cheerily, every thursday
making small talk
with customers

hoping that
nobody would take their table
and the clock would
bring them in, he'd beam

but one evening,
an hour, two
and a couple
made themselves comfortable

he stood at a distance
in cold politeness
taking their orders
sulkily.

bitter

you're looking
at that
which didn't happen
and saying
that it
wasn't meant to be
how do you know
if you haven't seen otherwise?

what is your fatalism
but a comfortable excuse?

earth

wet mud
trampled leaves
a collage of footprints

by the side
bright yellow
five curly petals

washed happy
little flower
smiles from the soil

weary

heavy eyelids
aching heels
tired thoughts
scurrying like mice
in all directions

so tired
like paul once was
distracted half-sleep

soft dark room
crawl into the double-bed
prayer of thanks
large pillows embrace
slip into quiet.

steady voice
ready, wide grin
he knows
every word he sings

effortlessly into the mic
loving those
thumb-funky chords
as much as we do

casual flow-lines
soul running through
his veins,
guitar strings

extraordinary person
i've quietly read,
observed,

and admired
from a distance
and for long

broad-smiled hello
genuine warmth
that makes one
instantly connect

simple man.

time

1 am
2 am
3 am
and so on

abysmal

I've found
that it's quite true

sometimes
there isn't anybody

so burn your
sparkling optimism

lunch

dhaba express
across the road
cane chairs, chombus
egg curry, rajma and rice

lets go no?

roadside

blue bandi
lime juice man
sits empty, ablaze

contemplating
putting up
a bisleri water sign

next to him
brown backed boy
too hot
to wear skin

holds glasses
to deliver to those
wanting steaming hot chai

on the hottest
of hottest summer days.

play

poke harder
and I shall
dig deeper

but you could
keep trying.

dance

look, how you dance
in a barefooted trance
tripping, spilling

swaying,
guitars going mad,
lightning rhythm

swirl, twirl
light as air
hand in his, and his

foot tapping
head nodding, bobbing
up and down

stepping in
to the groove, shine
red cheeked laughter

tense

they met
over and over again
desperately trying
to feel
the way they used to

they knew
it wasn't working
who goes first?

couple

on the terrace
they sit quietly
sharing a joint

black hands
holding hers
talking softly

tripping
trailing off
into a constellation

breaking into
a tune
now and then

unknown to everyone.
when you're young
there's no fear.

step

let it stay
this way
wait,
this is just right

let not
the anonymity
melt into familiarity
too quickly

secret

I'd rather
not talk
I'm holding it
so carefully

what if I spill?
then it will
no longer
belong to me

disquiet

late night darkness
post-dinner
empty, still

i can hear
drunken murmurs
from down the street

i can hear
the neighbour's
phone ring

i can hear
the drip in the
bathroom, steady

as constant
as the rhythmic whir
of the fan

i can hear
the trees, restless
longing for movement

i can hear
my heart beat
in my head

i drown myself
loudly
in the music

sick

ache,
squeezing
like a python

engulfing
gnawing at the insides
eating away

matter of time

it took up
so much energy, yet
we didn't burn out

we just put
it all aside
and it's piled up now

look,
questions, answers
that are waiting

to undo this balance
that we're pretending
to have achieved.

oh yes?

promises,
emotions,
decisions

all of you
are governed
by circumstances

that revolve
around you
sneering

at your naivete
to have believed
in constancy

disproving
the existence
of a
no matter what.

long nights

heavy head
morning mirror
toothbrush foam

hello,
sleep-swollen eyes
force yourselves open

conversation

this voice, shushed
I hope
you can't hear it

but it has spoken
to you
in my head

so many times
that I feel
you know already

and I wait
for your response
in careful, subdued anticipation

just for
the sake of the game
inwardly, I already know.

renewal

my neck hurts
now let me
arrange these pillows
and settle down nicely
on the bed
sleep and rest
for a month


then I'll get up
and run around the world.

stop
and listen
to all the noise
mixing sharp,
bright colours
into long exposure times

silence creeps alongside
in large, unseen
rubber-boot strides
till it decides
to take over
and make itself heard.

hostel

Ten o clock
the warden’s
on her rounds
silence, doors shut
till she disappears

and then, sniff
I smell maggi
Somebody knocks
at our door
Hey, do you have
any new movies?

Next door neighbour
walks in, looking about
in dismay
I haven’t even started
writing lab record!
gimme yours na?

the rest of us
pick a movie to watch
some of us
distractedly messaging
free sms - student pack

a phone rings,
and her face lights up
as she walks out
the movie’s over
and after post movie analysis
we finally retire to bed

four am
trip to the washroom
a rat darts across the floor
brushing past my feet
and I shudder
suppressing a scream

at the mirror
a girl, in green face mask
and henna hair
smiles and says hi
witch! (who is she?)

a big cricket
sits near the toilet
threatening to jump
at me anytime
I pray
and hurriedly exit

peeping into
an open window
on the way back
she’s at her desk,
table-lamp
still writing record

girl on the phone
now sits against
the corridor wall
talking in a low voice
tearful, boy-fights

this hostel
never sleeps
I enter my room
climb up my bunk bed
carefully, my room-mate’s
a light sleeper

but she wakes up
ei you know what!
I saw a rat!
we talk sleepily
it’s dawn now
alarms start ringing

rows of buckets
bathroom queues
skipping breakfast
running to class
everyday stories.

conviction

there's really
no need
to say much

love
works its wonders
silently.

being the man

swiftly you take matters
into your own hands
with natural efficiency

straight backbone
and finely cut features
pleasing, yet almost harsh

there's a roughness
surging through
your spirit

in defense,
in pride,
in strength

quickly shaken
but quicker to hide
displaying the inaccessible

carelessly concealed
and one can
quietly observe

the shades of a boy,
so striking,
in you.

company

I am myself
when I'm alone
but I need you
with me
to be the myself
that I like better.

long distance call

I had
only the usual
irrelevant updates

I did this
and I did that
and then I went here
and then I went there

what did you do?
and you say
'nothing much'

but I like
to hear you listen
to hear your low voice,
warm coffee mug

I like saving
the spaces
for later recall

and then
sometimes I feel
I can touch the intangible

checking

oh horror, horror
you found an error
I stared
how did two
become a five?

I squirmed
and wanted to
melt away
but I had
to sit and

brave through
another two hours
then I ran away
and hid face
for the rest of the day.

spirit

this one
is not just some
intangible wispy mist

it has volume
direction
life

it has muscle
power
energy

it's elastic
it's tough
poke, prod

and it will
bounce back
into shape

made of
stronger stuff,
this full-bodied soul.

choice

reason stumbles
blindly over emotion
logical fights illogical,

which,
stubborn and miserable,
refuses to budge

but sometimes
you have to pick
this or that

and do what you have to
there really is
no middle path.

make up, made up

she,
short skirts
high heeled attitude

plastic waxed face
with pencil eyebrows
straightened hair

that once fell
in admirable curls
but she wanted to look

perfect in the photos
she knew that
she musnt pout

but turn on
that practised
half-dreamy smile

and look
unperturbed
in the plunging neckline

and aim
the dark black eyes
straight into the camera

she also knew
what men liked more
not the drunk,

skin-showing nightbird
but this girl.
So with bindi and chappal

she wore
her well-prepared
simple look for today.

mojo

you little round
bundle of fur
unbelievably soft

small, fragile boned
unbound energy
excited running about
with a slight limp

you love to play
unguarded curiosity
sniffing at everybody's feet

licking everything
on the floor
following strangers
faithfully at heel

but at nights
you creep in gladly
inside his shirt

find a nice warm spot
and curl up there
like an
affectionate child

and both sleep in peace
boy and pet
pet and boy.

nostalgia

songs,
like houses
I've lived in

sunny days
spent colouring
black and white notes

I've moved out
packing cartons
shifting to another block

leaving
a few things behind
every time

they lie forgotten
collecting dust
in some hidden corner

I go back
once in a while
to pick them up

and sing along
renewing
cobweb covered emotions.

break up

halve a whole
to create
two strangers

burn down
each others
lucid memories

erase a life
we dont dare
to remember

shovel in the years
cover it up
with sand

and you plant seeds
but they'll never grow
the soil's too dry,barren

so this is where
it all ends
you called it love

this joke,
haha.

(written in 2008)

haji lane

narrow alley
crayon graffiti
scrawled, smudged
on the walls

two boys sit
in a corner
yellow light
with guitars

playing a bluesy riff
smoking, 8 pm
a passing cat
stopped to listen

retaurants, pink
aladdin and
his magic cafe
jeannie-type girls invite

hookahs,
mezze platters
welcome to istanbul!
a man pops up out of nowhere

boutiques in a row
hip youngster bling
dresses, bags,
the funky paper shop

two hours later
we pass by
the same duo
sitting at the corner

smoking, wandering about
the same riff,
the cat curled up
at their side.

purpose

in spite of
knowing you so well
I poked and prodded
and provoked

to get words
that I knew
I could hold
against you

I wanted
to hurt you
because I was hurt

if I have succeeded
I shamefacedly say sorry
if I haven't
I do the same.

he was rather pleased
in this new place
this small town

where nobody knew him
it was quiet
it was just right

now he wouldn't have
to talk business
with endless clients

over fancy dinners
and wine
(by then he had learnt

the trick to sealing deals)
he wouldn't have to
hang out with

leching groups of friends
over the weekends
at bars where

fifteen year old girls
smoked in style
and laughed loudly

he had all those scenes
though, in charcoal
his well-kept secret

long nights,
sketch after sketch
with a gripping fervour

his resignation
was not sudden
but carefully planned

he had thought
about it for long
he had all the material

he was full of ideas
and had saved enough
to set up this studio

with a pottalam
by his side
he sat at his desk
and started working.

pigeon

you thing of beauty

on my window sill

strutting about

on your skinny pink legs

red iris,

shiny neck,

that cere, like a

proud nose stud

you catch me looking

and grace a side profile view,

a half-smile

like a shy indian bride

i put out my hand

to spread some grain

and you (darpok!),

show interrupted,

fly off above

to the opposite building's sill,

watching curiously

from a safe distance

what now?

do you expect me

to say 'ao ao'

like he did in ddlj?

come and eat

whenever you want,

silly bird.

Belief

I don't know enough
to believe
but I don't know enough
to disbelieve either

so let's just be
on the safer side.

moment

in an instant
I saw that
you felt the same way

look away now,
let it go
quietly

let it slip away
lightly, floating,
disappearing

leaving only
its memory
heavy, haunting.

edit 1

oh, look!
another manuscript
on the table

tucking into it
gleefully
with pencil, eraser

colourful pens
circling, marking
rewriting

chuckling
at delightful mistakes
and misprints

(look, he forgot
the ni
in organism!)

frowning
over endless
pages of proofs

learning
to pick words
and mind those em dashes.

piano class

dimly lit rooms
with ancient
convent windows

diamond peepholes
in the walls
dust-light streaming

pianos,
kawai, yamaha,
pearl river

gleaming new
in the exam-room
shiny pedals

while others
in the adjacent rooms
chipped keys

slightly out of tune
till mathew
pays his visit

dark brown wood
smelling of
years ago

of songs,
compositions, that many
hands have played

with fingers,
little, big
graceful, clumsy

of moods, emotions
that have sunk into them
over the decades

of sombre chords,
lively melodies
legatos, staccatos

faithful, they stand
silent,
waiting.

attender

grumpy morning
I open the office door
thinking of
all the pending work

'good morning maydum!'
a voice rings out

he beams
in his
checked shirt,
polished shoes

it's impossible
not to smile back.

preachy

if you want to give
then give
of yourself

if you dont
then you might as well
be a recluse

but just
dont get stuck
in between the two

it is all about
giving
and taking

not about
giving
and taking back.

continuity

you said
let's start
all over again

but there is
no such thing

because the past
forms this present
even if you don't
want it to.

rough

thin hard lines form
on your face, I wonder
why I havent
noticed them before

swearing,
you clench your fists
I look closely
for the sensitivity

the warmth I knew
in you, but it was
hidden
put away for later

I did not
recognize you then
wounded ego,
ready to fight

I remember
my shock,
watching you
as you lunged forward

at the other guy
but now I know
that all angry men
are the same.

sad

maybe
you're being
too hard on me

I want
to go back.

scene

outside the gates
the usual bunch
hangs around
the sutta shop

beside the ganna juice shop
which also sells lime juice,
orange juice,
any colour juice

at the bus stop
an old man squats
in his lungi,
content with his beedi

and slow motion life
watching amusedly
a gaggle of girls
bargain with an auto anna

as a boy
does the same
near the dhaba
for his weekly stash

inside the dhaba,
groups of students
crowd, waiting for
place to sit

a small boy
smart, bright-eyed
wipes the plastic
adding yet another layer

takes orders,
runs about, delivers,
ears open to
the daily college gossip

and conversations,
sprinkled with
a distinctive tadka
across all tables.

gloat

hurt,
chasing me
with tentacle arms

ready
to engulf, grinning
like a pirate

but today,
I'm a squid too
dodging, hiding

there's my
murky ink
isnt it misleading?

woohoo.

moving on

it rained,
noisy streams
merged into

a deluge,
leaving our world
drenched in memories

that fulfill,
pull, cling
and disturb

but summer came
in yellow beams
evaporating them

one by one,
slowly, deliberately
into

a change of season
sun-washed
starting afresh.

piano

trying
to push away
this jittery feeling

trying
to be firm
and rooted

trying
to be invincible
and indifferent

trying
to act
like i don't care

trying
not to be hurt
pretending

trying
to be
like you

trying
not to face
these irrational thoughts

black
and white chords,
only you can take me away.

there's something
in your emails
so full-bodied,
and put down neatly
into paragraphs,

that makes me feel
all warm inside
as I scan through
your thoughts,
honest

and its magical
that once a connection
is found
the screen of the internet
doesnt seem to matter

or is it
the comfort
of this is screen
that maintains
the flow

that allows
these insiders
to be let out
through casual lines
I dont know

but now, let me
read you
and sit down to
draft out my response

we're talking.

gone

I make one move
and its misunderstood
another,
and that is lost too

how ironical
after all these years
we find that
we dont know each other

this is beyond
my comprehension
I shall retreat now.

show me!
she cried,
running after him

on her short,
chubby legs
in her pink frock

come n get it,
he laughed,
holding up his fist

his eyes,
half-mischievous,
half-mocking

she stumbled
over the sands
excitedly

as fast
as she could
chasing him in circles

till she tripped
over an
unfinished castle

and fell flat,
on the wet mud
he turned

she sat up
and howled
five-year old baby

he, suddenly quiet
and bewildered
sat beside her

and held out
his empty palm.

live

band one on stage,
with lights, amps,
shiny metal

lightning riffs
powerful vocals
high energy audience
black t shirts, \m/s

happy-drunk,
springed feet,
screaming along in
whiskey drowned harmony

head bangers
up in front,
already gone,
losing synchrony

musicians, keen
nodding along,
judging, with eyes
and ears open

in between acts,
comments, murmurs
stray whoops
college cheers

after the show,
groups sitting
in a circle,
on the grass

a bunch of voices,
and an acoustic guitar
a few songs, a few laughs
good times.

square

they sang
all those soulful songs
about asking no questions
and telling no lies

but thats not
how it works
here,
with me

so look me
in the eye
and tell me
whats going on

and believe me,
I'm not even
going to flinch
I'm prepared.

far away

foreign land,
in shades of
grey, blue and brown

wide roads,
black coffee,
alien cleanliness

silent, smooth trains
signboards devoid
of spelling errors

the perfection
offers no amusement
or warmth

what is this place I say
no bazaars oly,
no cows on the road also

english breakfast
on my plate
I used to like continental once

but now I dream
of idli dosa,
of dhabas,

and of bollywood songs
floating in
from next door aunty's house

I cant take it anymore
home beckons
wait wait, I'm coming.

amma

your words,
my bible
your voice,
comforting

hand-woven love
soft fingers,
that speak of
wisdom and grace

your toughness
and your
incomparable strength,
that I absorb

your thoughts,
that I worship
your advice,
that makes me think

you fill me with
the love you radiate
And I'm ready
to take on the world.

In my deepest fears
I think of you.

My protector,
allow me
to protect you
It takes two.

city

glitzy malls
shopping bags
high-heeled attitudes

dimly lit pubs
bring on the maritinis
loud music, young energy

workdays,
traffic honks,
smudged noise

weekends
multiplexes,
crowds everywhere

queues,
bills,
routine

getaway,
getaway.

compartment

Pot-bellied uncle
keeps us up
with his mouth full
and his empty talk

Subtlety: an alien
to his brazen drawl
that slurs
and forgets meaning

Incessant,
he goes on
Big manager
of big company.

Heard above
the rattling of the train,
his loud booming voice
and my silent amusement.

fight

today is fragile,
shivering,
stripped down
to this bare morning

we meet,
halfway
but it is lost soon
to red eyed words

that neither of us
can swallow;
hurling them
like boomerangs.

broken,
about to break
man,
woman.

tired, exhausted emotions
go away,
come back,
stay.

I see this
and I see that..
no no,
give me some time

because right now
my focus
is all over the place.

I thought
I'd sit here
and prove to you
that I'm invincible

now
before I break
I'd rather
you get away.

oh delicious feeling

of rediscovering
the beauty
of falling madly in love
with a song.

wispy song
meandering, like
the carving on your chillum

fingers tripping
carelessly
on the fretboard

gypsy stoner,
where are you going?

wooden chords
lazily drifting along
nylon strings

picking up words
scrawled in my head,
finding melody
in the space between

my song,
dancing lightly
like a smoke ring

evaporating into
the warmth of my room,
the colours
of the afternoon.

paati

she,
bent double,
rippling brown skin

under her
loosely draped
faded saree

dragging palm fronds
on the road
her nosering sparkling

against the sun,
as she gestures
to us for help

young shining eyes,
gummy grin
and wise wrinkles,

woman.

beyond

now I know
what it was
that was so captivating

your movements,
so fluid
unrestrained,

unbound,
like your mind.
free.

and I knew then
that it was all
I wanted to be.

what is it
that makes me
want to pen,
type,paint or sing
every thought in my head

fear
that it might be forgotten?

song

when you walk awayyyayyyy
tell me what to do
with all this love

and as we drift awayyyayyyy
what do you think we do
with all this love

turn my thoughts
inside-out
washed, wrung dry

bleeding fabric
colouring others
in patches,perceptions

look at them,
clothes line,
half amusing

part of this
imprinted on that
and that, on this.

maybe the last

standing here
watching the sky
spill its colours
into the morning.
this beautiful view,
unsettling.

can you feel the distance
coming closer to us?

fume

and it springs up again
this wanting
to hurt you back
to show you
how hurt i am.

i can retort
or slap your face
be as stupid as you are
to play this game

but trembling,
i control myself
head held high,
not giving in
as you stand there
throwing word-darts
at my ego.