I work in marketing

I look at spreadsheets and dashboards 

It's fun -- but you know I was born 

to look at earthworms wriggling in the mud, 

and marvel at giant sunflowers springing from seeds. 

I speak a language which requires me 

to sometimes say words like investment and equity 

They don't roll easily off my tongue. 

You know I was born to say words like 

rainwashed and sunsoaked and barefooted abandon. 

I create to-do lists and set reminders 

to structure my life 

and deliver whatever I'm supposed to. 

But you know I was born to create stories 

and compose songs and draw pictures and get paint on my pajamas. 

I meet people and say, "Hi nice to meet you," 

I stay polite and draw boundaries 

and behave the way I'm expected to. 

But you know I was born to have deep, unshakeable connections 

and to love wildly, with a ferocity that always surprises me.  

In my daily life, I keep my guard up and tell myself 

to be careful, because self-preservation is an acquired skill. 

I am cautious and reserved until I'm nudged to let go.  

But that's when it all feels right -- 

because you know I was born 

to give all of me away. 

You know I was born

I work in marketing 
I look at spreadsheets and dashboards 
It's fun, but you know I was born 
to look at earthworms crawling in the mud, 
and marvel at sunflowers springing from seeds. 

I speak a language which requires me 

to sometimes say words like investment and equity, 

but they don't roll easily off my tongue. 

You know I was born to say words like 

rainwashed and sunsoaked and barefoot abandon. 

I create to-do lists and set reminders 

to structure my life 

and deliver whatever I'm supposed to. 

But you know I was born to create stories 

and compose songs and draw pictures and get paint on my pajamas. 

I meet people and say, "Hi nice to meet you," 

I stay polite and draw boundaries 

and behave the way I'm expected to. 

But you know I was born to have deep, unshakeable connections 

and to love wildly in a way I'm not expected to.

In my everyday life, I keep my guard up

I am careful, I know that self-preservation is an acquired skill. 

Once in a while I'm compelled to let go.  

And that's when it all feels right -- 

because you know I was born 

to give all of me away. 

perfect strangers

the ease of our friendship 

is because we are perfect strangers

what a beautiful place to be 

here -- where we know each other 

but we don't know each other enough 

to cause any hurt 

oh, our friendship

is of little consequence 

you and me, laughing, walking 

you're a passing presence in my life 

and I accept it with no problems 

unlike other friendships 

that I've weighed down with my 

expectations, with my vulnerabilities 

this is nice

you and me 

barely scraping the surface 

laughing, walking 

we don't yet have the power 

to cause any disruptions 

in each others lives 

(not yet at least) 

so let's stay here 

on the surface 

what a beautiful place to be  

a new friendship

Something has changed in one of my closest friendships and I am heartbroken We were once completely free, without inhibition  but now we are cautious, tiptoeing --

How do you be there for a friend who is not ready to share? 

Maybe this is the true test of friendship.

"You can tell me," I want to say,

"It's just me."

But I know this is not about me.

I know that this is perhaps me being selfish

My need to be seen as trusted,

my validation.

It makes me feel so vulnerable 

to share more of me when they share less of themselves 

And so I withdraw as well

to avoid that imbalance.

We all know that friendships are shape-shifters

morphing into new forms as we regulate

how much we want to bare of ourselves

and how much we want to keep tucked away

I'm working on accepting this new change

I want to be okay with it,

I want to be gentle and understanding

But maybe grace will come

after grief.

You don't have to tell me

You don't have to tell me you love me for me to know that you love me and you won't say it anyway
because of the way the world works
But I know that you love me
just like you know you love me
in the most honest, genuine way possible
And we leave it there
there's nothing to say and nothing to do
it exists, this thing between us
it's so real, it's so imaginary
we let it exist
you don't have to tell me
I don't have to tell you.

Music is my thing

The piano sits in a corner, collecting dust I avoid eye contact with it on most days It's a reminder of a time I used to play ("Music is your thing!") a reminder of a dream I left halfway something which used to bring me so much joy now makes me think of my inadequacies of all the jazz I can't play But today as I despair into the deepening night I look to it for comfort and it stands there, just like it has all these years I sit down and run my fingers over the keys and I confess I rage and mellow and battle and my stiff fingers trip and slip but I play, and play, and play and I am rescued all over again

Music is my thing,

it always has been.  

guilt-shopping

if you want to shop for guilt 

the options are dazzling 

the malls are well-stocked 

there's guilt of war, of climate change

there's guilt about not meeting others expectations of us  

about not meeting our own

we're guilty about the things we can't change 

we're guilty about what we can but don't

there's guilt about not living an authentic life

there's guilt about being selfish 

ah, guilt -- expensive, expensive guilt 

we spend extravagantly on buying guilt 

we beg, steal, borrow, we even seek it out  

it makes us feel important, this guilt 

but you know, sometimes it 

doesn't even belong to us. 

we can lament at who we have become 

power-hungry barbarians? 

planet-destroying beasts? 

or we can be economical, 

keep the burden light,

build a little bit of apathy, 

and distract ourselves 

with trees and birds and things --

things that are less heavy on the heart  

so that we can all 

move along now.

lunch buddy

who do I have lunch with

in this sea of people

all disappearing into each other

with their swaying forks and laughing faces

so confident, loud, familiar 

who do I have lunch with

do I try to catch someone's eye

or do I wait for a friendly wave

do I look away and pretend I don't care

take my tray and sit

coolly and confidently by myself 

or will that appear rude? 

should I ask someone

if I may join them

or will that seem intrusive? 

who do I have lunch with

in this sea of people

all disappearing into each other

while I stand, so visible

to myself, heart racing

wishing to disappear

just like everyone else 

new

i don't know 
whether i'm in a rush 
to get to know you 

or if I'm in a rush 
to show you me 

Misfit

a misfit in most places 
I find relief and liberation
in the company
of strangers

I can pretend
I'm just like them

reminder

this is a note
that I will revisit 
on a day that I need reminding 

this is a vow 
to always find pockets of freedom 
within boundaries 
(even if I have to create them myself) 

this is a pledge
to sing loudly when there's silence 
and softly where there's noise 
(but to always have a melody within)

this is a promise 
that I will always find hope 
in every dancing autumn leaf
(even when it settles on wet ground)

this is a resolution
to unhesitatingly seek the warmth of family and friends
and offer as much of myself as I can 
(but also without depleting my resources) 

this is a pledge
to read and write and laugh and
make new friends and keep moving on 
(even on, especially on, days that tell me otherwise)  

and when I read this one day
I'll know that I was wise
to have written this note

to remind me that I've crafted
a rich, authentic, abundant life 
with intent. 

give it to me

give me your pain 

let me carry it for you 

I am not suffering 

but you are 

give me your pain 

I know it is not mine to carry 

but please

let me help

joy

song in my body

spring in my step

heart so full

it's going to explode

in this moment

life is worth living 

swim

i like many things about swimming 

but what i like best 

is finding weightlessness 

i'm buoyant  

unburdened by my own thoughts 

unbothered by what the world wants from me 

watch me

​I'm going to do it

I'm going to do it all

I'm going to have it all 

Don't ask me to slow down

I'm hurtling forward at top speed 

return

​I want nothing in return

for loving you

I watch you
smile and laugh
live your life
with so much joy
I don't mind if I'm not in it

all of me

if i could 

i would sit down with you 

in a quiet corner  

and hold your hands in mine 

and in that slot of time 

i would give you 

all of me 

later, we will forget and move on 

life will take over

we will get busy

but one day you will remember

that you and i sat down 

in a quiet corner 

and shared this moment 

one day you had 

all of me

you're okay

you're okay, they said 

you're doing fine

you're doing great

and she died while

crying out that she wasn't 

verdict

you wronged me and i apologized

you hit your head against the wall and i assumed  i hurt you 

you cut me off and i blamed myself

you, and you, and you, all of you.  

i must have been crazy to have 

taken on your share for so long

i've redeemed myself now

i pronounce myself not guilty

walk

bare feet sink into mud

as i walk on wet soil 

my toes curl around leaves

of jagged edges and velvety surfaces

i walk in solitude

i walk in silence

i walk to remain suspended 

in thoughtlessness

i walk through hours 

of light and dark 

i walk in desperation 

i walk for space, i walk for time

i walk for relief, 
i walk to feel a little numb
i walk even though
my skin is blistered and bleeding 

i surrender 

to the rhythm of my feet 

as they carve out lines

on a map that only i know 

i keep going, 

steady, sane, sound 

on a ground
that features madmen and gone-too-soons.