a new friendship

Something has changed in one of my closest friendships and I am heartbroken We were once completely free, without inhibition  but now we are cautious, tiptoeing --

How do you be there for a friend who is not ready to share? 

Maybe this is the true test of friendship.

"You can tell me," I want to say,

"It's just me."

But I know this is not about me.

I know that this is perhaps me being selfish

My need to be seen as trusted,

my validation.

It makes me feel so vulnerable 

to share more of me when they share less of themselves 

And so I withdraw as well

to avoid that imbalance.

We all know that friendships are shape-shifters

morphing into new forms as we regulate

how much we want to bare of ourselves

and how much we want to keep tucked away

I'm working on accepting this new change

I want to be okay with it,

I want to be gentle and understanding

But maybe grace will come

after grief.

You don't have to tell me

You don't have to tell me you love me for me to know that you love me and you won't say it anyway
because of the way the world works
But I know that you love me
just like you know you love me
in the most honest, genuine way possible
And we leave it there
there's nothing to say and nothing to do
it exists, this thing between us
it's so real, it's so imaginary
we let it exist
you don't have to tell me
I don't have to tell you.

Music is my thing

The piano sits in a corner, collecting dust I avoid eye contact with it on most days It's a reminder of a time I used to play ("Music is your thing!") a reminder of a dream I left halfway something which used to bring me so much joy now makes me think of my inadequacies of all the jazz I can't play But today as I despair into the deepening night I look to it for comfort and it stands there, just like it has all these years I sit down and run my fingers over the keys and I confess I rage and mellow and battle and my stiff fingers trip and slip but I play, and play, and play and I am rescued all over again

Music is my thing,

it always has been.  

guilt-shopping

if you want to shop for guilt 

the options are dazzling 

the malls are well-stocked 

there's guilt of war, of climate change

there's guilt about not meeting others expectations of us  

about not meeting our own 

we're guilty about the things we can't change 

we're guilty about what we can but don't. 

there's guilt about not living an authentic life

there's guilt about being selfish 

ah, guilt -- expensive, expensive guilt 

we spend extravagantly on buying guilt 

we beg, steal, borrow, we even seek it out  

it makes us feel important, this guilt 

but you know, sometimes it 

doesn't even belong to us. 

we can lament at who we have become 

power-hungry barbarians? 

planet-destroying beasts? 

or we can be economical, 

keep the burden light,

build a little bit of apathy, 

and distract ourselves 

with trees and birds and things --

things that are less heavy on the heart  

so that we can all 

move along now.

lunch buddy

who do I have lunch with

in this sea of people

all disappearing into each other

with their swaying forks and laughing faces

so confident, loud, familiar 

who do I have lunch with

do I try to catch someone's eye

or do I wait for a friendly wave

do I look away and pretend I don't care

take my tray and sit

coolly and confidently by myself 

or will that appear rude? 

should I ask someone

if I may join them

or will that seem intrusive? 

who do I have lunch with

in this sea of people

all disappearing into each other

while I stand, so visible

to myself, heart racing

wishing to disappear

just like everyone else 

new

i don't know 
whether i'm in a rush 
to get to know you 

or if I'm in a rush 
to show you me 

Misfit

a misfit in most places 
I find relief and liberation
in the company
of strangers

I can pretend
I'm just like them

reminder

this is a note
that I will revisit 
on a day that I need reminding 

this is a vow 
to always find pockets of freedom 
within boundaries 
(even if I have to create them myself) 

this is a pledge
to sing loudly when there's silence 
and softly where there's noise 
(but to always have a melody within)

this is a promise 
that I will always find hope 
in every dancing autumn leaf
(even when it settles on wet ground)

this is a resolution
to unhesitatingly seek the warmth of family and friends
and offer as much of myself as I can 
(but also without depleting my resources) 

this is a pledge
to read and write and laugh and
make new friends and keep moving on 
(even on, especially on, days that tell me otherwise)  

and when I read this one day
I'll know that I was wise
to have written this note

to remind me that I've crafted
a rich, authentic, abundant life 
with intent.